I’ve always loved a baby cuddle and when the pregnancy test said positive I dreamed of cuddling my own. Many would say that the love you have for your own child is instant and unconditional. I want to explain why I didn’t feel this love and why I won’t feel guilty.
As dave cuddled my ever growing bump I joked that he best make the most of it because he wouldn’t get a look in when our baby arrived. I loved feeling her little kicks and hiccups in my tummy.
I can’t describe the feeling of holding my baby after a long labour, she fell so warm and I instantly wanted to cuddle and protect her. As quickly as I met my little one I was taken away for my placenta removal. After coming round from the anaesthetic 2-3 hours had passed and I returned, exhausted, to a dressed baby asleep on her daddy’s chest. I felt jealous, guilty and heartbroken that I missed out on the precious first hours of her being here.
Exhausted from pregnancy, labour and a operation I just wanted to rest but our daughter needed me and I relentlessly breastfed her and held her while she slept. She certainly didn’t like being put down in the hospital crib so I didn’t sleep for two solid nights. I could help feeling sorry for myself, chocolate chip cookies and cups of coffee got me through.
During hypnobirthing classes a technique was to visualise our baby. Audrey doesn’t look like how I pictured her to be. I imagined her to be my double, the fact she had blond hair and blue eyes made me feel like I didn’t know her, sometimes questioning if she was even mine.
Returning home was very daunting, we were responsible for this tiny baby. I was reassured that I was doing well with breastfeeding by the Midwife which boosted my confidence, I was happy to be settled in the comfort of our home. The thought of leaving the house filled me with dread, old anxieties flared up. For the first time in years I felt very self conscious about having a disability. If Audrey cried where people going to think I couldn’t cope or I shouldn’t have a baby? The thoughts made me really nervous.
Due to the blood transfusion I had to inject myself for 6 weeks to stop any blood clots, it felt I was back to were I began, injecting for IVF. I just wanted to enjoy my new baby but the recovery from the after birth was stopping me. Each painful injection made me emotional, I even thought about not taking them but my dependent little new born kept those thoughts at bay.
Over the coming months I found groups I could attend in my local area. Although I felt silly singing nursery rhymes, dancing around old church halls and constantly bruising my knees getting in and out my chair onto the floor, I felt it pushed me to actually get out the house, finally giving us some routine. The more groups I tried the more picky I could be as to which suited us best. We started to see the same faces so it was nice to be able to talk to likeminded people which made me feel like a normal mummy. The silly singing also helped our bonding as week by week I could see how Audrey would respond to my voice with infectious smiles.
At just over 9 months old there are still a couple of the same groups I still attend, to see Audrey play some of the instruments herself and recognise the songs makes me give myself a little pat on the back for pushing through my fears .
Although dave and our home carers do almost all of the practical things for Audrey, which means she’ll reach for them when she wants something, her smile when I pretend to sneeze or her wave in the morning just makes my heart melt.
In hindsight my bond with Audrey was always there, I think the added trauma from the afterbirth recovery combined with feeling sorry for myself was really the issue. My love for her now is completely unconditional, the more she grows the more my love for her does. I don’t feel guilty about not immediately falling in love with her because she hasn’t missed out on anything, if anything it’s made us do a lot more than most to create a special bond that has grew over time and will continue to forever grow.
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