The names bond

I’ve always loved a baby cuddle and when the pregnancy test said positive I dreamed of cuddling my own. Many would say that the love you have for your own child is instant and unconditional. I want to explain why I didn’t feel this love and why I won’t feel guilty.

As dave cuddled my ever growing bump I joked that he best make the most of it because he wouldn’t get a look in when our baby arrived. I loved feeling her little kicks and hiccups in my tummy. 

I can’t describe the feeling of holding my baby after a long labour, she fell so warm and I instantly wanted to cuddle and protect her. As quickly as I met my little one I was taken away for my placenta removal. After coming round from the anaesthetic 2-3 hours had passed and I returned, exhausted, to a dressed baby asleep on her daddy’s chest. I felt jealous, guilty and heartbroken that I missed out on the precious first hours of her being here. 

Exhausted from pregnancy, labour and a operation I just wanted to rest but our daughter needed me and I relentlessly breastfed her and held her while she slept. She certainly didn’t like being put down in the hospital crib so I didn’t sleep for two solid nights. I could help feeling sorry for myself, chocolate chip cookies and cups of coffee got me through.

During hypnobirthing classes a technique was to visualise our baby. Audrey doesn’t look like how I pictured her to be. I imagined her to be my double, the fact she had blond hair and blue eyes made me feel like I didn’t know her, sometimes questioning if she was even mine.

Returning home was very daunting, we were responsible for this tiny baby. I was reassured that I was doing well with breastfeeding by the Midwife which boosted my confidence, I was happy to be settled in the comfort of our home. The thought of leaving the house filled me with dread, old anxieties flared up. For the first time in years I felt very self conscious about having a disability. If Audrey cried where people going to think I couldn’t cope or I shouldn’t have a baby? The thoughts made me really nervous.

Due to the blood transfusion I had to inject myself for 6 weeks to stop any blood clots, it felt I was back to were I began, injecting for IVF. I just wanted to enjoy my new baby but the recovery from the after birth was stopping me. Each painful injection made me emotional, I even thought about not taking them but my dependent little new born kept those thoughts at bay.

Over the coming months I found groups I could attend in my local area. Although I felt silly singing nursery rhymes, dancing around old church halls and constantly bruising my knees getting in and out my chair onto the floor, I felt it pushed me to actually get out the house, finally giving us some routine. The more groups I tried the more picky I could be as to which suited us best. We started to see the same faces so it was nice to be able to talk to likeminded people which made me feel like a normal mummy. The silly singing also helped our bonding as week by week I could see how Audrey would respond to my voice with infectious smiles.

At just over 9 months old there are still a couple of the same groups I still attend, to see Audrey play some of the instruments herself and recognise the songs makes me give myself a little pat on the back for pushing through my fears .

Although dave and our home carers do almost all of the practical things for Audrey, which means she’ll reach for them when she wants something, her smile when I pretend to sneeze or her wave in the morning just makes my heart melt.

In hindsight my bond with Audrey was always there, I think the added trauma from the afterbirth recovery combined with feeling sorry for myself was really the issue. My love for her now is completely unconditional, the more she grows the more my love for her does. I don’t feel guilty about not immediately falling in love with her because she hasn’t missed out on anything, if anything it’s made us do a lot more than most to create a special bond that has grew over time and will continue to forever grow.

Breast is best?

Breast feeding is quite a hot topic at the moment and many celebrities are making it ‘trendy’, it is shocking that breastfeeding in public has only been legal in the uk for less than 20 years. With watching close friends and family breastfeeding and attending courses that boasted how natural it was together with the fact that it was free breastfeeding was definitely for me!

At 20 weeks pregnant I woke up one morning with two little wet patches on my top were my nipples had leaked. It was actually dave that amusingly noticed and I was unusually quite embarrassed. This was very early to start lactating but we took it as a sign that breastfeeding was meant to be.

Attending a number of breastfeeding workshops where we awkwardly practiced stimulating nipples with knitted boobs and breastfeeding holds with creepy dolls actually excited me as it felt so natural. We didn’t buy bottles or anything related to formula feeding as it just wasn’t a thought in our minds.

As my little bump grew so did my boobs and milk flow, I really enjoyed seeing my body doing what it was naturally supposed too, plus the purt boobs were a bonus.

Audrey was born and I breastfed her straight away. The next few days are all sadly a bit of a blur but the hospital were very supportive and helped me with positioning her and latching, they even tried to relieve the pressure by offering to give her one formula feed to allow me to rest. I was so sure breastfeeding was for us I declined this offer. I was prepared for pain from others experiences but nothing prepared me for how toe curling the pain actually would be. 

During our time in hospital it was revealed that Audrey was tongue tied but I was reassured that this didn’t effect breastfeeding, until I got home and my Midwife cut it and from then latching was much quicker and the pain dramatically eased.

I’m not shy about saying I really didn’t enjoy breastfeeding, I found it uncomfortable, demanding and relentless. She was a very hungry baby I would be constantly feeding her. However she did sleep through from 4 weeks old so that gave me some relief. I do want to say that when breastfeeding in public I never felt any negativity or people looking it was always my own insecurities that made me feel uncomfortable which were a surprise even for me.  At times my involuntary movements and lack of coordination would mean my boob was left out just chilling while I kept Audrey safe.

As Audrey grew bigger breastfeeding in my chair was becoming a problem, she still needed head support yet I could find a comfortable position that could satisfy both our needs.

We gave Audrey her first formula feed at 11 weeks old, I cried during the whole thing although I had a feeling of guilt and failure it was lovely to see daddy enjoining the special moment. We didn’t make a habit of the formula feeding but we knew it was available as backup. I tried expressing but it wasn’t really for me, I did a few bottles to allow grandparents to experience feeding but by the time I expressed a bottle I could have just fed her myself.

I stopped breastfeeding altogether at around 5 months, dropping a feed at a time every 2-3 days, I felt it was a very mutual decision between Audrey and myself and this I must remember.

At just over 9 months I have times when I do feel guilty for stopping breastfeeding because I liked that she needed me and I soothed her as she drifted into a peaceful sleep detaching herself when she was ready. I look at others around me and applaud their patience and commitment but I mustn’t forget I did what was right for us.

To summarise I had a very love hate relationship with breastfeeding and I couldn’t say whether I would breastfeed again. I loved the bond it gave me and Audrey but it didn’t feel a very natural process and I certainly didn’t make it look trendy.